Journalism is my dream job and my calling, I'm confident of that fact. However, I'm not confident in my abilities to go after that dream. It's too difficult to get into the profession, with pay. Journalists write journals. That's exactly what they do, so my new journaling is getting me headed in the right direction. I have lots of questions and hopefully I will see connections more clearly than storing them in my brain.

Some of my bi-polar moments- aggressive driving only because the other person is being inconsiderate of other drivers. The deck issue. Absolutely livid about it, but no gonads to do anything but complain. Parish McKinney's office. Outraged voicemail's at 11:00 PM, knowing nobody was there. I'm to scared to go up to the office to pick up my paperwork. I can slam the shit out of someone but can't confront them.

Amanda, my therapist has been saying I have avoidance problems, and now I'm able to see why. It's why I was bullied in school.




I heavily rely on the dictionary and thesaurus

Journal

Woke up hourly last night/this morning. Didn't get up til noon.
Ran errands

Journal 7/10/15

Started day late, woke up at noon, but moving and shaking since. Update,, things have been mysteriously missing.. lamp fixtures for path lights, Christmas tree string lights (may have given away by accident), my hand notebook with all my info in it (been missing it for awhile but never deemed it missing until I looked everywhere. Called Monarch and didn't find in lost and found), and now today.. weed and grass killer (may have used it all, but doubt it).

In looking for a job, I am on the News & Record website in the careers section. Their available jobs is HEAVILY falsified. At the top it says, "Search from 21,458 jobs" and underneath it lists the "CATEGORIES" with the amount of jobs beside the individual category. So, some examples are, Administrative and Office work category with "(1663)" jobs in that category.. click on it and it only has 500.. Retail has 252 beside it and only has 202.. Computers has 508 but after clicking the link it has 424.. one last is Automotive / Motor Vehicle / Parts is 344 and only has 264 that shows up in the results. Each category doesn't seem all that major. Excluding Admin jobs, the differences in just the 3 others is a difference of 214 jobs. Out of 1104 jobs that is exactly a 20% embellishment. 

Email to Amanda:

Lisa said she would have to treat me as a new patient and requires the $150 deposit to make the appointment. So that's a no-go.

I brought myself to begin my process of doing a blog/journal last night. I've saved one entry from yesterday and basically taking notes on what I'm doing today. So far today I have been looking for jobs and I noticed some embellishments on the available jobs on the News & Record site.. so I wrote this in my journal:

"In looking for a job, I am on the News & Record website in the careers section. Their available jobs is HEAVILY falsified. At the top it says, "Search from 21,458 jobs" and underneath it lists the "CATEGORIES" with the amount of jobs beside the individual category. So, some examples are, Administrative and Office work category with "(1663)" jobs in that category.. click on it and it only has 500.. Retail has 252 beside it and only has 202.. Computers has 508 but after clicking the link it has 424.. one last is Automotive / Motor Vehicle / Parts is 344 and only has 264 that shows up in the results. Each category doesn't seem all that major. Excluding Admin jobs, the differences in just the 3 others is a difference of 214 jobs. Out of 1104 jobs that is exactly a 20% embellishment." 

I was going to show you this anyway, but when I told my mom about it and how this is typical Eric investigating she brought up the avoidance issue lol

Butt seriously, we uncovered something major Tuesday and I haven't taken my mind off of it since. It's taken me 40 years to see these patterns. It's very painful to accept this. My entire life has neon arrows pointing to the avoidance. EVERYTHING.

Resume quotes:

Journalism and investigation is what I was born to do. It's natural for me. I'm curious and need to know all facets of a situation/problem. If I'm dissatisfied with a business or practice I never use chain of command- I immediately go to the CEO/COO of a company and I research them to know the right triggers to get their attention. When I was in the 3rd Grade I was nicknamed "detective Jones" due to my inquisitiveness. We had a crossword puzzle with the students name on it and my name was the only nickname and was "DETECTIVE JONES" going right down the middle. My mom saw it and got upset and called the school. They got it worked out, but it shows that I have always been a tiger after off balanced scenarios. It's my calling. 

I will work tirelessly to get the results you want

Data driven and process oriented.

Strong customer satisfaction focus skills.

Personal expert on the other end of the phone line for our customers whether they have questions on their bill, have service issues or are looking to add digital cable, digital home phone or internet services.

Been looking for journalist jobs today. Need to figure out how to get my foot in the door..

Journal

After my appointment with Amanda Tuesday morning we discovered what the avoidance that we've been talking about.. basically, no confidence and no middle ground. I'm either hot headed or passive, and I don't stand up to difficult situations and objectives very well. The example she used is where I hadn't picked up the paperwork at Parish McKinney's office that I needed back. I was to ashamed/afraid to go up there as upset as I was. No middle ground. 

I don't know what to do about this bi-polar ordeal. I've been in denial for 20 years and this revelation is changing all of my thoughts. All of them. I now fully accept it but I don't know where to go from here..